Saturday, May 22, 2010

I Would Die For That

Just heard this song and loved it. Those who don't struggle with infertility don't fully understand how lucky they are. I don't want to get on a soap box or anything but I'm going to anyways. Ha! I hope those who can have kids just take a moment to think about what infertility entails. Since I have struggled with this for so long I feel that I have a lot more control on my emotions when it comes to this trial than I used to and I feel I can speak more freely and without plunging into a pity party.
My advise:
Please be careful of the comments you make to those you know are trying to get pregnant. Or those that have been married a few years and don't have children. Not everyone shares that they are trying and when you ask, "so why don't you have kids yet?" It can be like a dagger to the heart. I learned to reply something along the lines, "I don't know, when Heavenly Father tells you when, please let me know because it just isn't happening."
Please NEVER EVER EVER tell them to just relax and stop thinking about it/trying. That just down right pissed me off when I would hear that. Anyone going through infertility knows this is next to impossible. Not getting pregnant isn't just like forgetting that you have a bruise or cut and when you get occupied with work or chores you tend to forget that it is there. Infertility is a constant thought in the back of your mind.
Please don't complain about pregnancy pains to some one who can't get pregnant. I know it sounds like a no brainer but you would be surprised how many women that are pregnant just don't think about who they are complaining to. We totally get that there are pains and uncomfortable and annoying things that come with pregnancy and of course people are human and that is what we do, complain. But PLEASE be careful WHO you complain to.
Complaining to include: Please don't complain about it taking 2 months or so to get pregnant especially if you already have children. 2 months compared to 1+years is really incomparable. Don't think that you can relate, because you can't.
Please keep in mind that it takes a community to raise your children, so on Mother Day remember that we might not have our own children but we are in a way mothers to yours, our nieces and nephews and our friends children. Plus we still have the motherly instinct built within us. We are still mothers.
Please let us be the one's to crack jokes or make comments about our infertility. (If we are able to)
Those are just a few pleased I have that I know all infertility couples (mostly women) would appreciate extra effort in.
Also to help you to understand where we are coming from I would like to include from one of our classes we took while on one of our adoption paths we once started:
The Emotional Stages of Infertility
Denial ("this can't happen to me")
Isolation- Infertility can be too personal and embarrassing to discuss.
Anger- The loss of control over our bodies and destinies often lead to anger. Anger may be directed realistically and rationally toward those who express insults, or irrationally toward doctors, or deity. The real anger is toward the situation and ourselves. Depression may result if the anger isn't dealt with.
Guilt and Worthlessness-People try to make a cause-and-effect relationship between infertility and something they have done or not done. Pregnancy may be seen as an issue of worthiness.
Depression-This is a legitimate response to despair,sadness, and distress.
Grief- Loss of passing on the family name; loss of the dream of bearing children; loss of feeling like you fit in; loss of being free from the hassles of seemingly unending medical examinations;ect. There are no funerals, no grave to lay flowers on. Often, the couple grieves alone.
Sounds a bit like the grieving process doesn't it? Well that's because it is. We will be going through these different phases as long as we are infertile. It might get easier but it is always there.
I know this is getting long but I have just one more thing from the class to share:
Infertility is.......
Trying to be happy for your friend who's on her 2nd or 3rd pregnancy
Hating your "broken body"
Doctors:hating them....worshipping them
Wondering if you will ever get a Mother's Day or Father's Day card
Picking a name for your baby...& then growing tired of it before you get to use it
Always going to other people's homes for dinner so THEY don't have to get a babysitter
Falling apart.....every month
Knowing (better than most) how conception happens, yet having to put up with stupid advice and crude jokes
Feeling empty and sad almost all of the time
Wondering...Why us?
Having a "guestroom" & wishing it were a "nursery" instead
Secretly hating every pregnant woman you see
Dreading "another" Christmas without the child you long for
Needing to grieve, but not knowing really how
An ONGOING process
I really don't want you to think that I am writing this out of bitterness or anything like that. I write this with hope that this will help bring awareness to the ever growing infertility couples and the emotional torment and stress it brings. I know that there is a reason why we are facing this trial and I know that we WILL be blessed one way or another with OUR children.


Jodie said...

well said, you are in my thoughts & Prayers.

{Sweet Cheeks} Photography said...

Heidi I LOVE this post! So many people don't understand. I'm so happy for you guys!