Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My Pleasure, My Guilt

I feel the need to just blab tonight about some of the feelings that I have had and am having.  I have a feeling this will be all over the place but to be honest I am interested to see where this goes.
SO... Before having Elijah I had watched a few episodes of the show "18 kids and counting" which shortly became "19 kids and counting". I always thought,"holey crap they are CRAZY!!" I didn't understand why any one would want that many kids. Well, I remember having the thought in the hospital right after I delivered my precious miracle, and they laid him on my chest, "this is why!" I could get very addicted to that.  I was blessed with an almost perfect pregnancy, would have been perfect if I didn't bleed for almost 10 weeks in the first and second trimesters and also having the uti that made me throw up the 1 time the whole pregnancy. And even with my 21 hour labor and almost 31/2 hours of pushing, I had the most amazing experience with it all. I felt without a shadow of a doubt that if I could I would do it 18..19...maybe 20 (or more) (wink wink) times in a heart beat. It is the after the hospital stuff that I think there is no way I could do. I just don't know what I am doing half the time and I am not always the most patient person out there to be able to handle that many kids.
Well, a few months after having him I was asked by a friend if they think since I had a baby if I will be able to have another one. There is no way to know that yet. We do have two frozen embryo's so we will get the chance to try again. Everyone's body is different so who knows if it will take again.  Plus who knows if they will make it through the thaw. To be honest I truly hope and pray that I will be able to experience it all again. This is where the guilt comes in. My pleasure is loving that I got to experience pregnancy and delivery and being a mother despite feeling inadequate. The guilt, feeling once is not enough, I want more. My sister-in-law hasn't been able to have kids, and I know that there are tons of women that will never be able to experience what I was blessed to experience. Which I was one of them for a long while. So how can I be so selfish?! I used to pray that I could get just one chance to experience it. Well, I got my chance, and I am honored and humbled and feel extremely blessed. These feelings are very frustrating and draining. I feel like I am having a constant battle with my heart and my head and whatever else is involved.
I was talking to one of my co-workers about faith, and being able to accept Heavenly Fathers plan. I told her that I have never wanted a single child family. 1, I want Elijah to have at least one sibling, 2, I want to have another baby. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family, I just pray that if it is for our family to be the size it is now, that I can accept it and not look back. I don't want this to sound like I don't appreciate Elijah, that couldn't be farther from the truth. You can ask anyone who talks to me on a regular basis. He is almost all I talk about. You would think that no mother has ever seen their adorable baby do such cute things.
Well, there it is. I feel like I just let go of a secret that I have been holding onto for almost a year now. I guess the next year or two will be interesting to see what may (or may not) come.
Thanks for listening (reading) any of you that even look at my blog anymore let alone read all the way down here. ha!


Ber said...

I can understand your feelings. I never thought I would have to stop at only 2 children. But the odds of having another autistic child are just too high and I just can't seem to take that leap of faith. I wouldn't trade Chase for anything in the world, but I also won't risk having another autistic child. So, it's an inner struggle I have on an almost daily basis about having more children. I just can't do it, which makes me feel selfish because technically I could have more children, but am choosing not to for fear of another child with autism. Don't feel guilty! Your feelings are legit and you have nothing to feel guilty about! Love you and thanks for sharing your feelings with us!

Matt and Alissa said...

I would say those are some very natural feelings you are having. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting more or for thinking logically though. I am sure most of those woman that can't have babies right now would have as many as they could if they got the chance. Maybe God's answer to your prayer about letting you have just one baby was doubled. Keeping God's plan in mind is very wise, but I don't think you should give up hope that maybe there is more to come.

The Childs said...

I love that you have such faith to follow God's plan and keep Him in mind while you sort out your thoughts. I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting more kids at all. You know that you would want that for someone else, so that is what people are thinking about you. They want you to experience the happiness, even if they can't. As you know, you never know what life has in store for you!

Anonymous said...
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Ryan said...

This is Emily and Ryan McBride commenting. We just wanted to tell you how happy we are for you and your family. You are great people and deserve many blessings. Good luck!

firecracker said...

I hope you are blessed with more, and even all you can handle ;)

Loralee said...

Hello friend!!! I believe some of the comments here are very good. It was just as difficult of a decision to know that we were done having kids. Its always very hard to swallow when that time comes. One that I relied heavily on comfort from the Lord to help me get through it. I think you will know when the time is right either way. Through prayer you will get your answer. You two are amazing! Love and miss you!!